I learned that I can become very self-destructive when I drink. I learned about compassion, empathy, and kindness. I am aware of the people I have wronged. I regret it. I wish there was a way to go back and turn me into a kinder person. I need to forgive her and forgive myself. I learned that you do not need to put other people down to keep them close. I should not have hurt her just so she would not leave. But she forgave me. I learned that even through my worst I did some good. I stood by her when she went through the eating disorder. I tried to make her happy, even though I had no resources to be happy myself.

I do have regrets about Anna. But I know I was as honest as I could every single step. I did not put her down; I did not mistreat her. She had me at my best. That story I keep telling myself about having a ring is simply not true. I did not have a ring. Even if I did, it would have just bought us some time. But we were gone long ago. We broke up before and tried again. It did not work because, as much as we loved each other, as imperfectly but honestly as we did, that does not change the fact that there was a radical difference. Not only about children, but about what we expected from the world.

I am afraid to be alone. I am afraid to not find anyone that will seem as worthy as her. I had that same feeling when I broke up with Chloe. Knowing that it simply was not true gives me hope somehow. I did not expect to find Anna after Chloe. It was surprising. So I guess there will be better options, given time. I am hopeful, but I also am sick of this desperation. I am sick of this deep sadness. I am sick of breaking down every day. But this moment of deep pain is making me humble. I am being humbled by it. I am learning to appreciate all the different forms of kindness that I found. I did not think I deserve such amounts of love. I love. I am loved. For now, it is not the way I want it to be, but somehow I know that it is temporary.

I am still hurt from what I did, I keep imagining her with him. It is painful every time. I am trying to keep myself busy so that I do not have to linger in those feelings, but there is only so much you can do against them. I knew it had to happen sometime. She is a great girl and it not hard to be attracted to her. I do not want to cause myself more pain by wondering if she still thinks about me, because that is not important. I have to remember what it really was: we loved each other. When she broke up with me, she shouted from the street that she loved me and I was afraid to shout back. I regret that, but it speaks about where we were at the time.

My priority was my academic performance and not her. I do not think that is wrong, but I keep forgetting it. I think to myself "I should have told her she was my first priority", but that was not the case. I did love her as much as I could. I know that she loved me as well. Even if she dated someone else immediately after breaking up, I do not doubt what we had. It was not perfect, but it was for us. We were so close to each other, I cannot imagine having such a connection with anyone else. But the point is not replicating the relationship. My relationship with her was different from the one with Chloe. It was not a question of better. It was deeper because I grew during that time; because I learned how low I can sink and how high I can soar. I learned how much pain I can endure and how I can recover.

Somehow, I know that I will recover and I will be in a much better place. But I am sick of this one. I fear that I will look back at this amazing opportunity and regret how I spent so much time in pain over her. I have learned a lot about academic subjects, but I mostly have learned about myself and how I relate to others. I am still afraid of asking for help because I do not want to be weak. But I have received so much kindness that the very thought of my fear seems silly. I need to forgive myself. I will not be able to let go until I do. I know that a lot of my pain stems from biology, but also from things that I did not say and I am now barely discovering.

This pain is really deep. It is de deepest pain I have ever felt. But I am also finding deep strengths. For all my deep and constant sadness, I am finding powerful emotional strength. I never thought I would be this low, but I am also surprised at my ability to endure. I know that I am far from being well, but I think that it is possible to be there. If I get there, I might be the best version of myself and all this pain may have a purpose. I cannot see it now. I hope I will someday.