Reactions on the idea of forgiveness

I am a terrible dancer. I can only dance when drunk. Even then I am a terrible dancer. I apologize profusely for this. I can only attain an ability through cognitive impairment.

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The Buddha, on the noble follower: "When he finds estrangement, passion fades out. With the fading of passion, he is liberated. When liberated, there is knowledge that he is liberated. He understands: 'Birth is exhausted, the holy life has been lived out, what can be done is done, of this there is no more beyond.'" (Adittapariyaya Sutta)

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There is no more beyond determinate existence. It is done in that nothing exists beyond present time. Liberation consists in release from the desire to keep existence as it is or as it were.

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To forgive oneself entails ceasing to desire. That is, not desiring to keep things as they are or as they were, but accepting their fleetingness.

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Thus, desire and stubbornness frustrate any chance of forgiveness. This I know.

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The desire to prevail is self-defeating. Its object is unattainable and unfitting. Happiness cannot be kept, for it is real and therefore fleeting.

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And so is misery.

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I am aware that I will die someday. I do not want to die, but my desire to prevail is self-defeating. My desire to forgive is not, but I am unable to forgive myself and others. This, I think, occurs because of my desire to keep the form of existence with which I am familiar.

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Blake claims that virginity desires, but acts not. He also claims that infertile desire breeds pestilence. Refusing to act leads to stagnation.

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I dance when I am drunk. I also become deeply self-destructive. I rage and go on self-harming sprees because I confute my every desire. I deploy every desire and hope to be destroyed again.

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I am an expert in starting over. I have been many versions of myself.

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As one grows up, pain becomes deeper. One is supposed to become stronger. I can love with greater strength, which necessarily entails that the hollow once I no longer love will be greater.

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Pain can lead to compassion. Pain can lead to humility. Yet, I am still unable to forgive.

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Sheer force of will cannot remove deeply entrenched pain. Pain is supposed to bleed slowly; to become a part of who I am. The unconscious recalls old wounds under new circumstances. Harmful behavior repeats itself and tries to achieve different results.

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I really need to stop doing things that are bad for me.